I'm no Superman!

(Title is a Scrubs reference for Dave)

I went back to work today.

We closed on our house yesterday, we now own only one home again.  It's a good thing - mortgage prices where we live are insane.  And the taxes are worse.  So at 4:00 Dave and I headed off to our lawyer's office for the closing.  It went well.  Then we went to Panera to pick up dinner (thanks to our friends who have sent restaurant cards, they've been very helpful!) and headed home to eat quickly with the girls and Grampy.  As soon as we swallowed our last bite, we went to Back-To-School night at Elliot's school. It was nice being a parent instead of a teacher there.  We were given lots of hugs and well-wishes from my former colleagues.

After being at Elle's school, Dave dropped me at home and went to see Lincoln.  We like to go together for evening rounds and speak to the doctors.  But I begged out because I went back to work today.  That means an alarm goes off at 5 AM.  Five AM.  Five.  A.  M.  I couldn't stay out until 11PM for rounds, because of 5AM.  Then I realized that I would be missing morning rounds which seems to be where we really get most of our info on Lincoln.  But they're from 9-11AM (evening rounds are 9-11PM).  I work from 6-12:30, so no morning rounds.  And no evening rounds.  No rounds.  We can call, ask our doctors while we're here, ask our nurse anytime.  But at rounds, everyone is sharing all their info about him, questions are asked, treatments are planned.

Also, my breastpump hasn't arrived.  I am renting a monstrosity of a pump, a hospital grade, with no carrying case, and there is no way I'm toting it back and forth to work.  I get one free from insurance, but hadn't ordered yet as Lincoln was not supposed to have arrived yet.  So I'm now at the hospital pumping, but it's been over 7 hours.  And I'm sore.

Also, during zero period, my first class of the day, my phone rang.  Actually it rang at 6:30 and I missed it.  Then it rang during my class and I missed it again.  Then Dave tried to call three times.  I still couldn't answer but assumed something was wrong.  Sure enough, the hospital had called.  That's how to stop a Mama's heartbeat.  The hospital, where your sick baby is and you are not, called.  Lincoln has developed an infection.  His urine output dropped yesterday afternoon and stopped overnight.  His white cell count was low.  His hematocrit was low.  They are starting antibiotics.  This is the first time they have called us.  

Great, everyone at work is asking me how he is.  It's all I can think about.  I'm finally here at 1 PM, and he's recovering well - once he peed, he peed 34 mg(?), instead of 3-6 like his normal output.  The flood gates had opened.  He had to go on dopamine again for his blood pressure tanking, but an hour later he was taken off because it bounced right back up.  His coloring is good, he's getting a blood transfusion, he's stable again.

Last night I posted on fb that I was returning to work today.  My friend Kelly, a psychologist, texted me to remind me that no one expects me to be SuperWoman.  I forget that sometimes.  I know now, after a year in therapy, that I am an OCD perfectionist.  I'm really battling with whether or not to work right now.  I miss my students, and today I was able to jump right in and get them going. It was like I hadn't been gone a day.  But there is a lot of catch-up to do.  And I use A LOT of energy when I teach, I come home exhausted.  Now, sitting in Link's room, I just want to sleep.  My students are my students for three years, so I'm really invested in them.  We have a great relationship by year three.  I don't really want to leave them.  We're right in the meaty part of Drama Club and that's MY Drama Club now.  It's hard not to be there for that.

And I'm worried about money.  Who isn't?  I was supposed to work for most of 2015.  Not stop in the beginning of September!  And with a new house, we can't predict bills yet.  And Dave changed his pay option so his checks are smaller now, but come year-round.  But now one check does not even cover the mortgage.  Ugh.

I should be with my son, but I can't do anything for him so I should be teaching where I can make a difference and make some money.  But while I am work I'm so worried about him that I'm not giving my students 100% of me.  And this doesn't even begin thoughts of going home to my three healthy girls who want Mommy's attention, too.  I'm no Superman, but I wish I had more to give everyone.  Including myself.

*Dr. Eche says we have to be careful with infection, especially because it can reopen the PDA.  There is a small pocket of air in each side of his chest that is being watched, too.