Thursday, April 14, 2016

How Lincoln Saved My Life

Last year at this time I was in a bad place.  I was finally about to find a medication that made me feel a little better, but not myself.  And things were going to get harder.

Dave and I had gone on a 10-year anniversary cruise, the first time I'd left my girls overnight.  I was excited.  But then we arrived at the ship and had to say goodbye.  I had a panic attack.  I know now that I've had panic attacks in the past, but not like this one.  Thank goodness I had a Valium or two in my bag because my mother-in-law knew I might need one.  Once I came out of the panic attack I really did have a wonderful time with my husband.  But my breathing was weird.

Anytime something physical happens, I tell myself it's because I'm overweight or out of shape or some other reason I come up with to blame myself.  So certainly I can't breathe because of those reasons.  I tried to make like it was no big deal.  Dave started noticing.  I couldn't seem to get a deep enough breath to tell my brain that I wasn't suffocating.  Still, I let it go and headed back to work in September.  Dave had been pushing for me to see a doctor.  After the first day of school when I could barely sing with my students or even complete a full sentence without gasping for air, I finally went to the clinic.

The doctor at the clinic was very kind.  He ran so many tests and asked questions I would never have even thought of.  They did a chest X-Ray, an EEG, and sent me for blood work.  It turns out this physical issue I was having was a direct result of my mental health (or lack thereof).  He recommended I see a psychologist and go on anxiety medication.  I did not want to go on anxiety medication, because I don't want to spend my life being medicated and not feeling my full range of emotion.

I found a behavioral therapist for the meds and an LCSW for talk therapy.  The talk therapy was amazing, the meds were frustrating.  It took over four months to find a medication that helped me feel a little tiny bit better.  But in January, the meds started to work a little, so I was trying to have a better outlook.  The talk therapist, Jo, told me in my first session that I was depressed.  I thought she was out of her mind.  I am an outgoing, happy-go-lucky kind of girl a lot of the time.  My students think I'm funny, my kids think I'm silly, (my husband thinks I'm crazy).  How could I be depressed?  The depression was causing or playing into my anxiety.  Eventually, Jo even told me I have OCD, which is how we finally found a medication that started to work.

In February my uncle was killed in a car crash.  We weren't really close or anything, but I am a family girl and I was so sad.  Then at the beginning of April my grandmother died.  We WERE close.  In fact, we were on our way to Ohio to see her (figuring it would be our last time), when she passed away.  I was devastated.  And Dave comforted me.

And I got pregnant.  When I realized I was pregnant, I was absolutely panicked.  How could I have another baby when I couldn't even take care of myself anymore?  I was scared, angry, and anxious.  It took us two years to get pregnant with the twins while trying trying trying.  One time and I'm pregnant again?!  I didn't want to tell anyone, because I wasn't even sure I wanted to tell myself.

But we did.  And I tried to get excited.  And I started to feel better.  I immediately went off the meds the day I realized I was pregnant.  And somehow I started to feel better.  And as the pregnancy went on, I felt more and more like me.  I think the hormones in my body reset or rebooted my brain.

I haven't gone back on meds or felt depressed since.  Even through Lincoln's terrifying birth, no depression.  I do live in fear that it will come back.  It was awful.  Worse than I realized when I was in it.

Lincoln saved my life.  Being pregnant somehow made me feel like me again.  So for everyone who says to me, "There must be a reason he's here since he's made it this far!"  You're right.  And he's already fulfilled that, so no need to put pressure on him to do more.

Friday, January 1, 2016

DAY 120!!! NEW YEAR'S EVE!

Lincoln's home!  We didn't tell anyone but our parents (and our loyal blog readers! (Vikki and Ronnie!)) that he was coming, because it would just have been so disappointing to report back if he wasn't.  We got to the hospital around 8:45, we had an appointment to meet with the home care folks who were delivering the oxygen.  A very nice lady named Heidi taught us how the oxygen works (Dave broke the key to turn it on and off on his FIRST try! LOL) and how to use and read the pulse/ox machine.  It was a lot of information, but we did well.  (Side note: the same company that is delivering Lincoln's oxygen is the company bringing me my CPAP machine in a few days.)

JoAnne worked overtime simply to be sure she was with us on our discharge day.  Loads of nurses stopped by to say goodbye.  JoAnne kept us busy with information on medications, home care, etc.  We packed up his room - a few trips to the car for Dave - four months in the hospital really adds up!  We were given samples of lots of things to get us started.  When I asked Piedad for a few blue nipples for his bottles, she gave me her entire bag!  I think I really forged some great relationships with the nurses, staff, and doctors, which meant a little extra mile for my Linky-boy.

It's important to note that the night before I said goodbye to a bunch of the folks on nights.  I brought a HUGE box of Lindor chocolates for everyone to share.  Even the girls at the front desk (secretary-ish?) gave me big huge hugs of congratulations.

Dr. Pynn came by on rounds around 10:30.  She told us she want to run new labs on Lincoln - blood work, results shouldn't take too long.  Also, they would like to do a head sono, just to follow up (and so that we won't have to do it outpatient in a week or two).  I told her she could do whatever she liked as long as she would still release him that day.  Dave and I offered to sign AMA forms (against medical advice) to take him home.

Luckily all went smoothly.  We set up his appointment with his pediatrician, we made necessary phone calls and received a list of numbers to call for more follow-ups.  EI (Early Intervention) called to say that they'd be calling in one week to set up our initial appointment.  Catholic Home Care called to say that they'll be sending a nurse to our home twice a week for two weeks, I believe, just to check on us and make sure we know what we're doing and see if we have any questions.  Pulmonology is to be called, opthamologist, renal ultrasound followed by a GI appointment.  The doctor appointments will go on and on.

But he's home.  His sisters were THRILLED to finally meet him.  We took 49277392357694 pictures and got 2 decent ones.  Grammy and Grandpa, who had been babysitting all day, took off.  We realized it was 6PM and no dinner.  We ordered from Applebees and Dave went to pick it up.  In the meantime, I tried to make sense of his oxygen, medications, breastmilk fortifier.  I started to get worried.  I got things set up for his next couple of feeds.  (JoAnne had set us up really well with fortified milk for 24 hours, thank goodness!)

Daddy came home and we ate and had fake New Year's with the twins.  We watched every Netflix New Year countdown (about 20 minutes of videos) and sent the twins to bed.  We played a board game from Christmas (Pic...something.  A Disney game.) with Elliot and got her off to bed.  Dave and I played a video game, Yoshi's Yarn World or something..., and when the ball dropped we had our ceremonious kiss and champagne.  (Lincoln got kisses but no champagne.)

I headed off to bed, Dave stayed up to feed Lincoln.  Dave is a NIGHT OWL.  I AM NOT.  Dave also got up at 4AM for his feed.  Then I got up at 7:15, pumped, and then fed Lincoln.  I had to wake Dave up because I could not for the life of me get that boy to take his bottle!  Dave and Lincoln went back to bed after that.  At noon I still could not get Lincoln to take his whole bottle, so Dave had to finish it all up again.  My confidence was sinking fast.  At four I didn't even try.  But at 8:00, little man and I rocked the bottle out together.  He must have known I needed it.  He loves his Mama.

Same plan for tonight - Dave for the midnight and 4 AM, I'll take the 8 and let him sleep.  Dave worked more on the craft desk we built in the toy room.  Bill and Betsy came over today (to a chorus of "I don't want Mommy and Daddy to go to the hospital!!!" which we happily let them know that we don't have to do that anymore!), and Bill helped David measure and cut the chair rail for Lincoln's room while Betsy got roped into (happily, I think) mending some toys and a dress that have seen better days.

Dave goes back to work in a few days and I'm really nervous.  He'll be taking a leave but hasn't set it up yet.  Lincoln has a visiting nurse on Monday and my CPAP is coming Tuesday.  I'm expecting weight checks at the pediatrician next week as well.  It's taken a lot of strength to get this far.  I'm trying to keep up now that the chaos has moved to the house.

It's good chaos, though.  I wouldn't trade it!