I Was Robbed

Today I am feeling a lot of anger. I was robbed.  My pregnancy with Lincoln was my last.  I knew it was my last, David and I feel our family is complete.  My pregnancy was going well.  Then something f*cked that up, and my baby came at 23 weeks, 6 days.  And now I'm not pregnant.  I miss feeling him move and kick.  And I miss being pregnant.  I even suck at being pregnant - I have gestational diabetes that diet alone can't control and I have to be on insulin.  I have to check my blood sugar four times a day and shoot insulin four times a day (though I was only up to 2 times so far this pregnancy).  I shouldn't want to be pregnant.  But I do.

Yesterday I was pumping gas and there was a pregnant woman a couple of pumps over.  I was angry with her for getting to be pregnant and I don't.  Dave and I went to a consignment sale on Thursday and it was "special entrance" for women in their third trimester.  I had to listen to women talking about how cute this outfit was and what do we still need for the nursery, while what I thought was if I buy Lincoln a bunch of cute clothes with money we don't really have to spare and then he doesn't make it, what do I do with all of these clothes?  So we bought four or five little outfits.

I'm supposed to be pregnant and my baby is supposed to be growing and thriving.  Instead, I'm not pregnant and my baby is fighting every day for his life.  He's stable and doing pretty well today.  I'm not.