Balancing Act

Lincoln's doctors and nurses often refer to the balancing act - if we lower the dopamine, he can take feeds, but then his blood pressure is at risk.  If we give him something to fix his kidneys, it could put a strain on his heart.  Everything seems to balance on a thread as thin as a hair.

I'm feeling the same way. I am healthy enough and physically fine to be back at work. Being at work could be good for me because it may take my mind off things and save my sick time for when Link comes home.  But I'm so distracted at work thinking of how he's doing and feeling extreme guilt for not being there, particularly during rounds.  I seem to have some fantasy in my head where my attendance at rounds affects his treatment.  If I'm back at work I miss morning rounds, spend two (just two) hours at the hospital with him after work, and don't return at night because my alarm is set for 5AM for work days.  When I'm at work, I think I do a pretty good job of plowing through, but then all my energy is gone for the much longer portion of the day when I'm a Mommy of four.  I didn't go to work today, and I still feel like I am half-assing everything I'm doing.  I just literally cannot decide whether it is beneficial for me to be at work.  Am I doing my students a service or dis-service by being there?  I guess I'll keep taking it day by day until I figure that out.

I did manage to get Elle signed up for religion classes today.  She will get her first communion this year, one year behind her classmates, as Mommy messed up and missed a year.  She's required to go to church 12 times - something Mommy may just enjoy doing with her.  We've gone to our new church one time, right after Lincoln was born.  Elliot was excited that the priest was talking about welcoming people into the church.  I had a hard time as he talked about praying for pregnant women and women who have lost their babies.  I'm neither of those things, yet I still feel incredibly raw.