I can hardly believe we've been at this for 18 days. Little Man is doing well today. His weight today is 750g, which is what his birth weight was. He's been all over the map the last few days with his weight, as kidney issues are causing bloating and affecting his urine output. If you could just see him move and groove and squirm all the time, you'd see that he looks good for a 26-weeker. Hopefully the kidney and blood pressure issues we're seeing get better so he can go back to feeds again. He's still getting colostrum care - rubbing the inside of his mouth with a swab of colostrum. But Mommy & Daddy want him eating, because the nutrition in the colostrum and breastmilk will do wonders for him.
Our nurse today, Heather, realized that whoever hung his dopamine line did so with a line with a filter. She is now changing it out for a line without a filter. She said the filter can catch molecules of the medication and keep it from getting to him. This could be the reason that 1 unit was working a few days ago and 7.5 doesn't seem to be working as well as it should today. Lincoln's blood pressure is okay, but on the very low end of okay. They will monitor closely with blood pressure readings every 30 minutes to be sure it is making a difference.
Monday, September 21, 2015
Sunday, September 20, 2015
I Was Robbed
Today I am feeling a lot of anger. I was robbed. My pregnancy with Lincoln was my last. I knew it was my last, David and I feel our family is complete. My pregnancy was going well. Then something f*cked that up, and my baby came at 23 weeks, 6 days. And now I'm not pregnant. I miss feeling him move and kick. And I miss being pregnant. I even suck at being pregnant - I have gestational diabetes that diet alone can't control and I have to be on insulin. I have to check my blood sugar four times a day and shoot insulin four times a day (though I was only up to 2 times so far this pregnancy). I shouldn't want to be pregnant. But I do.
Yesterday I was pumping gas and there was a pregnant woman a couple of pumps over. I was angry with her for getting to be pregnant and I don't. Dave and I went to a consignment sale on Thursday and it was "special entrance" for women in their third trimester. I had to listen to women talking about how cute this outfit was and what do we still need for the nursery, while what I thought was if I buy Lincoln a bunch of cute clothes with money we don't really have to spare and then he doesn't make it, what do I do with all of these clothes? So we bought four or five little outfits.
I'm supposed to be pregnant and my baby is supposed to be growing and thriving. Instead, I'm not pregnant and my baby is fighting every day for his life. He's stable and doing pretty well today. I'm not.
Yesterday I was pumping gas and there was a pregnant woman a couple of pumps over. I was angry with her for getting to be pregnant and I don't. Dave and I went to a consignment sale on Thursday and it was "special entrance" for women in their third trimester. I had to listen to women talking about how cute this outfit was and what do we still need for the nursery, while what I thought was if I buy Lincoln a bunch of cute clothes with money we don't really have to spare and then he doesn't make it, what do I do with all of these clothes? So we bought four or five little outfits.
I'm supposed to be pregnant and my baby is supposed to be growing and thriving. Instead, I'm not pregnant and my baby is fighting every day for his life. He's stable and doing pretty well today. I'm not.
Saturday, September 19, 2015
Why I Hate the Number Eleven
Ask anyone who knows me well, I was certain Lincoln would be born on November 11. The number eleven kept showing up in my life - mainly when I looked at the clock. There were days I'd look at the clock at 7:11 then 8:11 then 9:11 then 10:11 then 11:11. I figured this was a sign from my grandmother again. That number was going to play into Lincoln's birthday for sure. 11/11 would be a little earlier than I would have liked him to show up, but far better than his actual birthday.
Link was born on 9/3 at 7:53 PM. Weighing 1 lb, 10 oz. 13 inches long.
I still see the number 11 everywhere. What does it mean?
In other news, Link dropped quite a bit of weight today. It could be anything - likely his urine output. And urine output is a good thing. His weight went from 769g to 685g today. When I asked his nurse, we'll call her CA, she said, "He's just so small. When babies get bigger, they weigh more." Profound. Haha!
Other than that, he looks good. Moving around a like a champ. That's my boy.
Link was born on 9/3 at 7:53 PM. Weighing 1 lb, 10 oz. 13 inches long.
I still see the number 11 everywhere. What does it mean?
In other news, Link dropped quite a bit of weight today. It could be anything - likely his urine output. And urine output is a good thing. His weight went from 769g to 685g today. When I asked his nurse, we'll call her CA, she said, "He's just so small. When babies get bigger, they weigh more." Profound. Haha!
Other than that, he looks good. Moving around a like a champ. That's my boy.
Friday, September 18, 2015
"Our Little Miracle Boy is Having a Great Day"
I headed into the NICU around 1PM. I dropped my stuff in Lincoln's room, and headed off to the pumping room to find a pump to take back. On my way to the pumping room (on the opposite end of the NICU from Link's pod), I saw Dr. Eche sitting at the desk. I stopped to say hello, and he greeted me with, "Our little miracle boy is having a great day!" Now that's what I call a greeting!
Lincoln's infection had Dr. Eche concerned that the PDA would re-open, so he ordered another echo. Today's echo showed that the PDA had remained closed and Link's heart looked good. They also discovered that yesterday's pneumothorax (a pocket of air outside of the lungs, perhaps a small tear in his lung had leaked some air out) was gone.
Lincoln is on two antibiotics to get rid of his infection. He apparently does not respond well enough to a two-day antibiotic, so he's on a seven-day antibiotic treatment. That's fine, so long as he keeps getting healthier and growing to be big and strong.
It's amazing to me how down and scared and worried we were yesterday, and then today is such a great day. It's so trite to say that the NICU experience is a roller-coaster, but I can't think of another way to describe it. There is a little hesitation in the celebration, though, as I know tomorrow can be different. We'll keep up our "cautious optimism" for now.
*Someone at work today was telling me about their experience with their preemie today. I hear "other preemie" stories all the time now. This one ended differently, however, and tragically. This person's child was born at 25 weeks and after 13 weeks in the NICU, the baby didn't survive, nor did their marriage. It definitely adds to the "cautious" part of cautious optimism. I know there are dozens of success stories, but it is quite a reminder that no matter how confident and excited we get, the possibility is still there. I just keep praying for my baby boy and hope our story is success.
Lincoln's infection had Dr. Eche concerned that the PDA would re-open, so he ordered another echo. Today's echo showed that the PDA had remained closed and Link's heart looked good. They also discovered that yesterday's pneumothorax (a pocket of air outside of the lungs, perhaps a small tear in his lung had leaked some air out) was gone.
Lincoln is on two antibiotics to get rid of his infection. He apparently does not respond well enough to a two-day antibiotic, so he's on a seven-day antibiotic treatment. That's fine, so long as he keeps getting healthier and growing to be big and strong.
It's amazing to me how down and scared and worried we were yesterday, and then today is such a great day. It's so trite to say that the NICU experience is a roller-coaster, but I can't think of another way to describe it. There is a little hesitation in the celebration, though, as I know tomorrow can be different. We'll keep up our "cautious optimism" for now.
*Someone at work today was telling me about their experience with their preemie today. I hear "other preemie" stories all the time now. This one ended differently, however, and tragically. This person's child was born at 25 weeks and after 13 weeks in the NICU, the baby didn't survive, nor did their marriage. It definitely adds to the "cautious" part of cautious optimism. I know there are dozens of success stories, but it is quite a reminder that no matter how confident and excited we get, the possibility is still there. I just keep praying for my baby boy and hope our story is success.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
Link's Future
David and I have been getting little tidbits about Lincoln all day. Mostly little things that just seem to be adding up and weighing us down. Tonight we had tickets to attend a consignment sale pre-sale. We knew we needed a new high chair as I had sold our other two. We wanted to buy him some cute little outfits and take a look around at what else they had.
We were discussing Lincoln in the car on the way there, and both getting quite upset about all the little things going on today - infection, air outside his lungs, low blood pressure, etc. Everything adding up. And as we went in to look at clothes, I wasn't feeling it. Dave was half-hearted about it, too. I said, "Is it bad that I'm scared to buy him things, in case..." And Dave understood and agreed. I don't want to have to think that way. I'm his Mommy. I want to protect him. *sigh* Now I'm back at the hospital because I want to be with him. Screw sleep - I'll nap on Saturday.
We were discussing Lincoln in the car on the way there, and both getting quite upset about all the little things going on today - infection, air outside his lungs, low blood pressure, etc. Everything adding up. And as we went in to look at clothes, I wasn't feeling it. Dave was half-hearted about it, too. I said, "Is it bad that I'm scared to buy him things, in case..." And Dave understood and agreed. I don't want to have to think that way. I'm his Mommy. I want to protect him. *sigh* Now I'm back at the hospital because I want to be with him. Screw sleep - I'll nap on Saturday.
I'm no Superman!
(Title is a Scrubs reference for Dave)
I went back to work today.
We closed on our house yesterday, we now own only one home again. It's a good thing - mortgage prices where we live are insane. And the taxes are worse. So at 4:00 Dave and I headed off to our lawyer's office for the closing. It went well. Then we went to Panera to pick up dinner (thanks to our friends who have sent restaurant cards, they've been very helpful!) and headed home to eat quickly with the girls and Grampy. As soon as we swallowed our last bite, we went to Back-To-School night at Elliot's school. It was nice being a parent instead of a teacher there. We were given lots of hugs and well-wishes from my former colleagues.
After being at Elle's school, Dave dropped me at home and went to see Lincoln. We like to go together for evening rounds and speak to the doctors. But I begged out because I went back to work today. That means an alarm goes off at 5 AM. Five AM. Five. A. M. I couldn't stay out until 11PM for rounds, because of 5AM. Then I realized that I would be missing morning rounds which seems to be where we really get most of our info on Lincoln. But they're from 9-11AM (evening rounds are 9-11PM). I work from 6-12:30, so no morning rounds. And no evening rounds. No rounds. We can call, ask our doctors while we're here, ask our nurse anytime. But at rounds, everyone is sharing all their info about him, questions are asked, treatments are planned.
Also, my breastpump hasn't arrived. I am renting a monstrosity of a pump, a hospital grade, with no carrying case, and there is no way I'm toting it back and forth to work. I get one free from insurance, but hadn't ordered yet as Lincoln was not supposed to have arrived yet. So I'm now at the hospital pumping, but it's been over 7 hours. And I'm sore.
Also, during zero period, my first class of the day, my phone rang. Actually it rang at 6:30 and I missed it. Then it rang during my class and I missed it again. Then Dave tried to call three times. I still couldn't answer but assumed something was wrong. Sure enough, the hospital had called. That's how to stop a Mama's heartbeat. The hospital, where your sick baby is and you are not, called. Lincoln has developed an infection. His urine output dropped yesterday afternoon and stopped overnight. His white cell count was low. His hematocrit was low. They are starting antibiotics. This is the first time they have called us.
Great, everyone at work is asking me how he is. It's all I can think about. I'm finally here at 1 PM, and he's recovering well - once he peed, he peed 34 mg(?), instead of 3-6 like his normal output. The flood gates had opened. He had to go on dopamine again for his blood pressure tanking, but an hour later he was taken off because it bounced right back up. His coloring is good, he's getting a blood transfusion, he's stable again.
Last night I posted on fb that I was returning to work today. My friend Kelly, a psychologist, texted me to remind me that no one expects me to be SuperWoman. I forget that sometimes. I know now, after a year in therapy, that I am an OCD perfectionist. I'm really battling with whether or not to work right now. I miss my students, and today I was able to jump right in and get them going. It was like I hadn't been gone a day. But there is a lot of catch-up to do. And I use A LOT of energy when I teach, I come home exhausted. Now, sitting in Link's room, I just want to sleep. My students are my students for three years, so I'm really invested in them. We have a great relationship by year three. I don't really want to leave them. We're right in the meaty part of Drama Club and that's MY Drama Club now. It's hard not to be there for that.
And I'm worried about money. Who isn't? I was supposed to work for most of 2015. Not stop in the beginning of September! And with a new house, we can't predict bills yet. And Dave changed his pay option so his checks are smaller now, but come year-round. But now one check does not even cover the mortgage. Ugh.
I should be with my son, but I can't do anything for him so I should be teaching where I can make a difference and make some money. But while I am work I'm so worried about him that I'm not giving my students 100% of me. And this doesn't even begin thoughts of going home to my three healthy girls who want Mommy's attention, too. I'm no Superman, but I wish I had more to give everyone. Including myself.
*Dr. Eche says we have to be careful with infection, especially because it can reopen the PDA. There is a small pocket of air in each side of his chest that is being watched, too.
I went back to work today.
We closed on our house yesterday, we now own only one home again. It's a good thing - mortgage prices where we live are insane. And the taxes are worse. So at 4:00 Dave and I headed off to our lawyer's office for the closing. It went well. Then we went to Panera to pick up dinner (thanks to our friends who have sent restaurant cards, they've been very helpful!) and headed home to eat quickly with the girls and Grampy. As soon as we swallowed our last bite, we went to Back-To-School night at Elliot's school. It was nice being a parent instead of a teacher there. We were given lots of hugs and well-wishes from my former colleagues.
After being at Elle's school, Dave dropped me at home and went to see Lincoln. We like to go together for evening rounds and speak to the doctors. But I begged out because I went back to work today. That means an alarm goes off at 5 AM. Five AM. Five. A. M. I couldn't stay out until 11PM for rounds, because of 5AM. Then I realized that I would be missing morning rounds which seems to be where we really get most of our info on Lincoln. But they're from 9-11AM (evening rounds are 9-11PM). I work from 6-12:30, so no morning rounds. And no evening rounds. No rounds. We can call, ask our doctors while we're here, ask our nurse anytime. But at rounds, everyone is sharing all their info about him, questions are asked, treatments are planned.
Also, my breastpump hasn't arrived. I am renting a monstrosity of a pump, a hospital grade, with no carrying case, and there is no way I'm toting it back and forth to work. I get one free from insurance, but hadn't ordered yet as Lincoln was not supposed to have arrived yet. So I'm now at the hospital pumping, but it's been over 7 hours. And I'm sore.
Also, during zero period, my first class of the day, my phone rang. Actually it rang at 6:30 and I missed it. Then it rang during my class and I missed it again. Then Dave tried to call three times. I still couldn't answer but assumed something was wrong. Sure enough, the hospital had called. That's how to stop a Mama's heartbeat. The hospital, where your sick baby is and you are not, called. Lincoln has developed an infection. His urine output dropped yesterday afternoon and stopped overnight. His white cell count was low. His hematocrit was low. They are starting antibiotics. This is the first time they have called us.
Great, everyone at work is asking me how he is. It's all I can think about. I'm finally here at 1 PM, and he's recovering well - once he peed, he peed 34 mg(?), instead of 3-6 like his normal output. The flood gates had opened. He had to go on dopamine again for his blood pressure tanking, but an hour later he was taken off because it bounced right back up. His coloring is good, he's getting a blood transfusion, he's stable again.
Last night I posted on fb that I was returning to work today. My friend Kelly, a psychologist, texted me to remind me that no one expects me to be SuperWoman. I forget that sometimes. I know now, after a year in therapy, that I am an OCD perfectionist. I'm really battling with whether or not to work right now. I miss my students, and today I was able to jump right in and get them going. It was like I hadn't been gone a day. But there is a lot of catch-up to do. And I use A LOT of energy when I teach, I come home exhausted. Now, sitting in Link's room, I just want to sleep. My students are my students for three years, so I'm really invested in them. We have a great relationship by year three. I don't really want to leave them. We're right in the meaty part of Drama Club and that's MY Drama Club now. It's hard not to be there for that.
And I'm worried about money. Who isn't? I was supposed to work for most of 2015. Not stop in the beginning of September! And with a new house, we can't predict bills yet. And Dave changed his pay option so his checks are smaller now, but come year-round. But now one check does not even cover the mortgage. Ugh.
I should be with my son, but I can't do anything for him so I should be teaching where I can make a difference and make some money. But while I am work I'm so worried about him that I'm not giving my students 100% of me. And this doesn't even begin thoughts of going home to my three healthy girls who want Mommy's attention, too. I'm no Superman, but I wish I had more to give everyone. Including myself.
*Dr. Eche says we have to be careful with infection, especially because it can reopen the PDA. There is a small pocket of air in each side of his chest that is being watched, too.
Wednesday, September 16, 2015
One Step Forward, One-Half Step Back
Yesterday was thrilling. Lincoln is rocking these last couple of days. He began feeds yesterday, a little Mama milk to get him going. Unfortunately, he's having a bit of a rough go with it. Granted when your first meal isn't until you are 12 days old, I guess it's a shock to your system. He's gotten .5mL which is 1/10 of a teaspoon - about 3 or 4 drops of milk. He started at noon yesterday, so noon, 4 PM, 8 PM, 12 AM, 4 AM, and then at 8 AM they realized he's not digesting it well enough. He has "residuals" in his line. Each time they feed him, the nurses suck his belly dry through his feeding tube to see how much he has digested. Then, they send that back to his belly to continue digesting and put in his new food as well. Our nurse today, Jessie, said he had residuals and they are dark in color, so feeds have been postponed.
He is, however, pooping. He's getting rid of the meconium - the black tar that they have in their little baby intestines while in Mommy's belly. The first few days of poop are meconium - hard to clean up from what I understand. All four of my babies have been in the NICU during the meconium stage so I've never had to change those diapers! Jessie also said his belly is soft, which means there shouldn't be painful gas building up in his belly.
I anticipate a lot of poop and putt jokes (we call farts 'putts' in our house) as we now have a son. I'm embarrassed to say that Miss Adeline will be the one teaching Link how funny potty humor jokes are! LOL!
Link is up to 720g this morning from 650g, so big growth since he started feeds.
He is, however, pooping. He's getting rid of the meconium - the black tar that they have in their little baby intestines while in Mommy's belly. The first few days of poop are meconium - hard to clean up from what I understand. All four of my babies have been in the NICU during the meconium stage so I've never had to change those diapers! Jessie also said his belly is soft, which means there shouldn't be painful gas building up in his belly.
I anticipate a lot of poop and putt jokes (we call farts 'putts' in our house) as we now have a son. I'm embarrassed to say that Miss Adeline will be the one teaching Link how funny potty humor jokes are! LOL!
Link is up to 720g this morning from 650g, so big growth since he started feeds.
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