Every day for 56 days we've been at the hospital with Lincoln. He'll be 8 weeks old tomorrow. He's growing nicely, up to 3lbs, 5oz from 1lb, 10oz. He has a nice head of fluffy blonde hair. His feeds are up to one ounce (30mL) every 3 hours. He's still on his vent and we're working to get him off of it. I have officially stopped counting the number of times I've held him as it's over 10 times now.
They switched his vent over to the SIMV setting which makes him do more of the work. Lincoln didn't like that, so he's back on the old setting. They have weaned his PIP to 12 and his PEEP is at 6. The lower those numbers, the stronger he's getting.
Yesterday I came to the hospital after work. It was a nice, but too quick, visit. I pumped, and when I pump, that usually makes the time here too short to hold him. My good friend Trisha was scheduled to be his nurse last night. (Nursing shifts run 7 to 7.) So my plan was to go home, have Dave take Elliot and her friend Sarah to dance, come up to the hospital, and then pick the girls up and bring them home. Then I would go back to the hospital with the hopes of holding Link and hanging with Trish a bit. Dave reminded me that we did that last week and he had a cello student show up. So he stayed home and I took the girls to dance and went back to the NICU to hold Lincoln. When I got Elliot home, we had dinner, did Girl Scout homework, and got her off to bed. I went upstairs to pump while David got ready to go to the hospital. He commented that I hadn't seen Addie and Charlie all day and shouldn't have gone back to the hospital. I didn't even really think about it, because my plan had been to go back when the girls were all in bed, and when plans changed I just bumped up my visit.
I have been feeling incredible amounts of guilt lately. When I'm home I feel guilty I'm not with Lincoln, my newborn, preemie, needy baby. When I'm with Lincoln, I feel guilty I'm not with my girls at home. Dave and I have barely seen each other. We are constantly passing each other, and our longest conversations happen over text.
So when Dave made his comment, I got upset. It's one thing to think you're failing at parenting no matter what you do, it's another thing when your spouse says it out loud to you. Dave and I actually don't fight often. But my anxiety and depression make me really hold onto it a long time. So some angry words were exchanged, and he headed off to the hospital. I was upset. I tried to keep myself together, but after awhile I could feel a panic attack coming on. My heart felt like it was racing (though I don't know if it was or if it was just my brain making me think it was), my skin felt like pins and needles. I felt like I was on fire, but shivering from being so cold. I tried meditation - Dave got me this amazing meditation headband and app called MUSE. I used it. It tells you how much of the time you're calm over the meditation session. I only got 2% for the entire session. I've never seen it so low. So then I really knew the panic attack was coming. I had read that should not take Xanax while breastfeeding. I also felt it was the only way I could get out of this one. I held strong and paced my room - there must be a runway now in my carpet for how fast and long I paced. I crawled back into bed. I got up and got in the shower. The shower was freezing and burning my skin at the same time. I ugly cried and sat on the floor of the shower. I finally got out and up. I turned a romantic comedy on, I can often distract myself out of anxiety, that didn't work - my skin was crawling and I was too uncomfortable. I texted Trisha and asked her if I could take Xanax. I knew this wasn't going away anytime soon. It turns out, after talking to Trisha and Dr. Google, that you can take one low dose of it and just not nurse for two hours; you simply cannot stay on a low constant dose, which is what some people are prescribed. It is prescribed for me simply to help me get out of panic attacks.
I had to take the day off work today, because it takes me a good 24 hours to actually feel back to my normal physical self after a panic attack. I was bummed to take the day off, I had several things I needed to get done and check on, plus the seventh grade is on a field trip which means an extra free period with which to get said things done.
I type all of this not to air my dirty laundry about a fight between David and I. His point was completely reasonable. It's just that people have anxiety and depression and not a lot of people talk about it. So maybe someone reading this understands me a little more, or maybe someone can relate. David and I are all good. This does not mean our relationship is in jeopardy - it's just a normal up and down of a relationship. And frankly, we're both exhausted, worried, and stretched to our thinnest selves emotionally right now, so we're easy to set off.
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Nurse JoAnn (I think she LOVES Lincoln - she is always quick to sign up for him, and when she doesn't get him, she comes in to visit with him anyway - and we love her!) just told me that they're electively extubating him today! In less than an hour, in fact. I can't believe it! They kept putting it off and putting it off, I started thinking "next week, I guess," over and over. This is big news. I can't wait to see him without the tube down his throat.
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Okay, he has been extubated! He's on a CPAP with bi-nasal IMV, which means they can still adjust the rate of breaths and keep his lungs and airways inflated. He's been extubated almost an hour now, and he's really doing well, satting 100 on 40% FAO2. You can hear him cry - if you stop everything you're doing, no machines are alarming, the door to his incubator is open, and you stick your ear through the porthole. LOL. It's the softest cry ever - very hoarse from having the tube down. The first thing Lincoln did after having his tube removed is to grab his feeding tube and remove it, too. Luckily that one is easy to replace. But apparently, Lincoln opts to not have ANY tubes down his throat now.
Nurses and NP's and doctors will now watch for him to have too many A's and B's - apnea's and bradychardia attacks. If so, he'll be reintubated. But for now, we wait and see how he does.
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